Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
