i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
