I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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