the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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