I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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