Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am mentally ready for anal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
