So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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