i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
