I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
