If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i came on her dog
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
