Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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