Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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