Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
