see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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