Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
