I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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