mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
