it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
