No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
