Moan for me like Helen Keller
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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