someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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