I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
