fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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