The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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