im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
