How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
