do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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