If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
