so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Are we still banned from the library?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
