my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
