Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
