What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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