I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
