The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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