oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it was like eating out sand paper
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
