Got a toothbrush?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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