Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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