Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
