DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was like eating out sand paper
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
