if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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