If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
And then he peed in my hair
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