please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
