Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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