I think my fart just growled at me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you had me at cake vodka
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
