Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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