You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
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A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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