K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
