But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
