i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
