All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
