Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
