I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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