drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
