2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
