you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
