we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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