I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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