I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
