Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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