I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
