i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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